Life and Relationship Coach, Depth Psychologist, and Workshop Presenter

1. What are your Requirements for a relationship? These are the deal breakers or non-negotiables for a relationship. It is imperative that ALL of your requirements are being met in the relationship - if not, then the relationship will ultimately suffer and break down. Some examples of requirements include being financially responsible, honest, or open to new experiences.

2. What are your Needs? Needs are the things that are not deal breakers, but if they were not present in the relationship, they would cause friction. There are functional needs like being organized or respecting each other’s space, and there are emotional needs like generosity or patience.

3. What are your Wants? These are like the icing on the cake. If she looks like Angelina Jolie that’s a bonus! If not, it won't be a deal breaker. Nor will it be a deal breaker if he doesn’t look like Brad Pit.

Create a solid list of your requirements, needs and wants. Quite often, the physical attraction that one feels towards another can cloud one’s judgment.

If you need guidance in reviewing these questions, contact a qualified relationship coach. By talking about your thoughts and feelings around the topic, and by exploring the answers to these questions, you be able to see your way to making the right decision for you.

Anger and aggression are present in all intimate relationships. Recent research indicates that anger begets more anger. The more negative affect is expressed in a relationship the more angry the partners become. Angry outbursts activate and further facilitate the activation of the neural pathways that are involved in anger thus further amplifying the anger.

Conscious couples use the Imago Dialogue to share their feelings without blame or criticism while using the Behavior Change Request Dialogue to transform frustrations. When unmet needs from childhood are acknowledged and responded to by a partner, one's anger and rage, and the helplessness to restore that connection, diminish. It is important for couples to develop strategies to manage and calm their own anger so that they can express the anger "by appointment" in ways that create the increased safety, deeper understanding and empathy that lead to growth and healing. This takes a great deal of practice.

Some couples enjoy using the following technique to contain anger: Keeper of the Relationship Containment Days. “Keeper of the Relationship” Days are a mutual decision to take turns being responsible for keeping the relationship safe. This means being “on duty” as the “Keeper of the Relationship” and using containment to deal with minor frustrations for twenty-four hours on alternating days for ninety days. On the first day, one partner agrees to be the “Keeper of the Relationship” and listen to all expressions of frustrations and to respond only with mirroring, validation, and empathy. On the next day, they switch, and the partner who “contained” on the preceding day expresses all his/her frustrations and is responded to with mirroring, validation, and empathy. This alternation is continued for three months with Sundays off. (Partner A Express: Monday, Wednesday and Friday; Partner B Express: Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.) The goal is to radically reduce or eliminate reactivity by being successful ninety days in a row. If the process falls apart on Day 43, start counting from day one again.

Sometimes old childhood rage can be extremely strong and volatile and therefore very difficult for you and your partner to deal with on your own. This is especially true when there has been a major conflict or tragedy within a couplehood, such as bankruptcy, infidelity, addictions, internet pornography, mental illness, or abuse, to name a few. If these issues or some very intense old feelings are experienced as having a control over you and your life , we recommend that you contact us at www.relationship-coaches.com to address these issues and resolve this kind of anger. I can coach you and provide a safe environment to express the full strength of your emotions in a positive way.

Conscious couples replace all spontaneous expressions of anger and rage with containment by expressing their negative feelings to each other “by appointment only.” Containment allows the expression of long-buried childhood resentment, anger, and rage in a safe environment in a way that leads to mutual healing and growth.

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